Better Loving Through Science

No long essays today, just two silly news items and a video from my show, "My Ship Has Sailed."

First up, a team of obviously very lonely mathematicians at Cambridge University determined that Jessica Alba has the perfect sexy wiggle when she walks. They claim they calculated that what makes a woman sway when she walks is the ratio of hips to waist size, and the perfect ratio for a sexy walk is 0.7. (This just gets more and more scientific as it goes along.) That would be, for instance, 36 inch hips and a 25 inch waist. Marilyn Monroe was very close with a 0.69 ratio, but after a no-doubt intensive study of photos of Jessica Alba on the Internet, the mathematicians said Alba is a perfect 0.7.

Okay, so explain Beyonce.

I have a feeling there is much more to learn in this vital field of study, such as the impact on the walk caused by the length of the legs or the height of the stiletto heels; but that would require advanced calculus and possibly quantum mechanics, so they'll need a few more years to work on it.

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Meanwhile, researchers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison found that Viagra not only improves a man's sexual performance, it can also boost levels of oxytocin, the so-called "cuddle chemical" produced by the brain that promotes bonding and romantic feelings. They say this means Viagra not only can help men get erections but also make them more loving.

This must be why gobbling all that Viagra has made Hugh Hefner stop sleeping with five girlfriends and bond to only three. And they're all virtually identical, so it's practically like he's monogamous!

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Finally, speaking of all the ways that science has enhanced our attractiveness, I thought I'd share this with you so newcomers can learn what I'm all about. It's a clip from one of my live performances of "My Ship Has Sailed," a song I wrote that marries a popular melody to the names of some of the many, many anti-aging products that promise us the glow of eternal youth. Enjoy!